Dirt Roads to City Streets

A blog in search of an identity and a focus.

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Location: Canada

Thursday, March 30, 2006

This week on AR: Don't be ugly, dangit!

You have to love a leg of the race that really captures the essence of a place. After all, when in Italy....um, sort clothes? Heft a bell? Assemble a sculpture? Have these people never heard of wine-related tasks? Sheesh. Anyway, here I am: a day late, but brimming with snarky goodness all the same...

Team Hippy: Okay, so they didn't conceive of the idea to book tickets online, and yet the strategy paid off beautifully for them. Really, they had no competition at all on this leg of the race. They did, however, wear the Bowling Moms t-shirts, which was so precious I wanted to puke, but you have to love these guys for their exuberance. Apparently. Even Phil is unable to maintain his basilisk stare in the face of their overwhelming goofiness.

Chuckleheads: We didn't really get a chance to bask in this team's piggishness this leg, for which we all give thanks. They wheelchaired their way into second place with such minimal enthusiasm that even Phil had to comment. Of course, perhaps that was because he'd heard them mock his turtleneck at the clothesline. But really, what is the deal with Phil's clothes? Can't the Travelocity people pony up a little cash to buy him a nice outfit just once? Guess he's just happy he doesn't have to gnome-up.

Ho-Jo: You had to appreciate this team's editing. Juxtaposing comments about how Ho is not a ditzy, dumb blonde in with her consistently mispronouncing Palermo (or Palamino, as Jo preferred) was pure genius. More importantly, she has a tantrum next week! Whoo-hoo! Bring it!

Team Geezer: Once again, they can't find a clue box with both hands and a flashlight. Still, they were clever enough to block Lake-n-puddle from getting the low-down on the faster flights, and they scored an AARP victory by refusing to divulge the location of the roadblock to Dr. Clueless.

Lake and puddle: I couldn't understand why this couple didn't choose to heft the bell - quick, direct, and difficult to screw up. Not like going to the pitstop before the roadblock, thus running up and down the mountainside twice. Dang it! Fortunately, he'd taken anatomy classes (to be a dentist? really?) so was able to assemble the sculpture rapidly. Oh, and Puddle managed to work in her usual wimpishness by completely surrendering all decision making to Lake. Based on her hairstyle throughout much of the race, that was probably a good thing.

Team Nerd: These guys are just SO cute. They almost lost their tempers (apparently, although they didn't seem close to fighting in the version presented on TV), thus causing her to cry in frustration and him to... sweat profusely. His tears on the mat reinforced the fact that he is the nicest man on the planet, and Phil's tiny heart grew three sizes that day as he encouraged the nerds to make physical contact. Awwww!

Yo, Ray: Ray was looking fine as he toted the bell around (Yo wasn't the only one checking out his ass...admit it!). They spent much of the leg driving around in a fog, unable to find the correct directions, and nearly lost it all at the roadblock. However, Ray was able to get his game face on by taunting the Pinks while completing the task. I'm coming like Christmas! Oh, Ray. It sounds so dirty when you say it!

Pinks: Once again, a team thwarted by an inability to drive stick. Here's a thought: get someone to show you how to drive before you go on the show! Odds are good you'll be somewhere where standard is, um, the standard. They also seemed shocked by L-n-P's decision to yield them. They confused "target the weakest link" with "they're threatened by us" and vowed to kick it up a notch. Bam! Yer outta here!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Previously, on Amazing Race: sprachen de spanglish?

Another decent episode, for all kinds of reasons. There were a few moments where I laughed out loud, and a few where I had to shake my head. Hey - didn't there used to be a rule about how many road blocks each participant was allowed to do? I couldn't figure out why so many of the men were tackling the ever-challenging 'gnome-lifting' event, but that's just me. Oh, the lederhosen, how I love thee! And talk about stepping up in the world, from Brazilian volks to fine German automotives. Hmm... feels like I should make a subtle Nazi reference here. Well, consider it made.

Without further ado, on with the snark!

Chuckleheads: Now, "not thinking" has been their strategy thus far, and it's been working for them. Then, they chose the time-consuming bottle breaking thing instead of learning to dance (they're white men--maybe they can't dance??), and blew a lead of at least 3 hours. Fortunately, most of their competitors made the same mistake and it didn't end up costing them too severely. That left only the awkwardly uncomfortable moment on the map where Phil refered to them as casanovas (because 'creepy horndogs' was inappropriate for TV), and they felt complimented and compelled to share their plan to tongue wrestle the pinks. Ick.

Team Hippy: These guys are trying just a little toooooo hard to be wacky (I was in fact reminded of guys who try a little toooo hard to prove their heterosexuality, but that's just me.). In any case, I think the viewing audience all let out a collective "eeeeeeeew" on being informed that blondie was sans underwear. I actually stopped to ponder that: was it just that day that he'd gone commando, or was it, like, part of his wacky hippy ethos? *shudder* Anyway, further on the wacky: running backwards to the mat, the hippie hoe-down at the field o' gnomes, offering a finsky to Phil, who looked puzzled and bemused (oh, wait, that's just his face). Oh, but snaps to these guys for sprachen ze lingo once again.

Lake and puddle: Now, they're my team, and I'm happy they are still in the race, but honestly, that man is jigging on my last nerve. I had to snort at the look on his face in the car. After giving puddle a stern warning to accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative (sorry if that song is now playing on a constant loop in your brain), she fired back a stream of "yeah baby, go baby, you're the greatest baby" that put a funny look on his face. Flashing back to the ol' wedding night, Lake? Oh, and even funnier: his use of the word "dadgumit". Tee hee!

Team Geezer: I questioned their sanity when they decided to learn to dance instead of breaking bottles. Granted, they were coming off of the nightmarish doll opening task, so you can forgive them for being a little gunshy. I figured they'd never finish once I caught a glimpse of Fran's dance "technique". Fortunately, the German dance instructor was willing to let 'vaguely correct' be his standard for acceptable dancing, thus saving these two. I smiled kinda sadly when Barry indicated that they had hit their stride, what with all the driving and map reading they were doing. Yeah, because that's where this race is won or lost, isn't it?

Team Nerd: The Nerds lost their race virginity on this leg: they told their first strategic lie. I was conflicted about this. On the one hand: go nerds! We almost lost you after the trolley cleaning fiasco. On the other: isn't it akin to Luke accepting a prosthetic hand, thus taking his first steps to Vaderville? But, I'd rather have defiled, stealthy nerds than no nerds at all. Oooh, and seeing the two of them dance made me giggle, because nerds are not known for their gross motor skills.

Ho-Jo: Okay, she still irks me, but he was laying on the cute fairly heavily this time around. Did you see the grin on his face as they rounded the wall of doom? I was all 'Joseph had a facial expression! Joseph had a facial expression!'. Fortunately, no one was there to witness that. It wasn't pretty. He, however, kinda was. And even though I find her fluffy and annoying, she at least had a good attitude toward sleeping on the floor at the airport, so I guess she can stay for another week.

Yo, Ray: Once again, this team was kinda quiet and just plugged along and got the job done. I think their editing is improving. They no longer look like two strangers forced to spend time together. Now, they feel comfortable commenting on the size of his butt. Well, she does, anyway. He looked more than a little uncomfortable high stepping with the boys in the shorts, but kept it together. And they seem to have a better sense of direction than some of their competitors. I hope they stay in the game long enough for me to have something witty to say about them.

Pinks: This was not their leg. First there was that fiasco with the daypack, then the impossibly high standards at the trolley cleaning station, then they couldn't get on the flight they wanted, and then they had to follow the chickitas...wait. No they didn't. What - they can't read a map? They would rather follow blindly than take a stand? I really expected more of this team: they've were on autopilot for much of this episode. They didn't even vamp it up in the lederhosen, and if you can't have fun in German drag, what is the world coming to?

Chickitas: Why do you speak with an accent? Why do you say everything in Spanglish? Argh...what kind of argumentative questions are these? Jr. was not particularly pleasant to mamacita this time around, for all the crying at the end. These two seemed like such a strong team, until confronted with the mysteries of the autobahn. Sure, they drove around in circles, but at least they were making the effort, unlike the pinks who were content to passively follow these two into last place. Then the crying at the gnome toss. Hey--you think that's tough? You wouldn't have made it a few seasons ago at the bale unrolling thingie. Sorry, Liz...yer outta here!

Man... this thing takes forever to put together. Can't wait until we've pruned a bit more of the deadwood...

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

There'll be a golden ladder reaching down...

A couple of updates today (surprise, surprise). If you aren't a reality television fan, you can skip over the postings that follow this one.

So... lots of news that hasn't as yet made it to the blog. First is that we're attempting to sell the family farm, which has naturally screwed up my brain for a few months now. The deadline is this Friday (we're selling by tender), so we'll see shortly thereafter if there are any bids worth taking. I'm not sure which outcome I'm most hoping for... This Friday is a day fraught with family significance which I won't get into here. I'm hoping that benevolent spirits are looking over our shoulders and protecting our interests.

What else is going on? Well, if we sell, I'll be buying a house. Yes, the long-awaited, much sought-after final move. Um, we can only hope. I've moved about 26 times so far as an adult, and I'm intrigued at the thought of throwing away all boxes after a move, rather than holding on to them for the future, and at the notion of completely unpack all possessions. I've not started house hunting in earnest, but given the hot market we've got going on in Calgary, I'm sure I'll be paying through the nose no matter what I get. The radio said that prices are up 26% over last year, so my timing is proving to be as excellent as usual.

Hmmm.... thought there was more news than that. It seems like so much more in my head. What else, what else? Oh, went with Mick to pottery class last night, and it was so much fun. I decided not to actually create anything (although Mick made sure I got muddy), but it reminded me of all the fun I'm missing. I want to take a class with Basia and Carrie, but the logistics have so far not been working. I'm definitely going to try to schedule something in the near future, however. It was a hoot to see Michelle again, because she is possibly one of the most naturally entertaining people I know. She kind of reminds me of Jessica from Rochester - outrageous but good natured with it. Those two would definitely get along.

In the future, watch for some of my snark-laden comments regarding this season's Survivor. I'm in the pool, and feel the obligation to provide entertainment value. Speaking of snark, check out Ryan's latest article, for which I provided some insightful commentary. Er... something.

Finally, a shout out to Christmas, who complains that he never gets mentioned here. He is the father of the lead singer of my favourite under-16 band: The Random. Who loves ya, baby!

I lied - this is the final thought: you know you're spending too much time at work when.... you get to your front door and pull out your office key card instead of your door key... Or, maybe this is the final thought. License plate seen over the weekend: IH8U2. Priceless!

Amazing Race this week: it just keeps getting better and better

I hope I'm not spoiling anything for those of you who haven't watched last night's episode yet (*coughChriscough*), but last night was the traditional "to-be-continued" episode, wherein we race feverishly to find Phil only to have no one Philiminated from the race. And I have to say that I thought last night's leg (or half-leg, as the case may be) was one of the best we've seen in quite a while. Lots of drama (Will Wanda drown? Will the Pinks lose their passports? Will the Geezers be eliminated?), and lots of good field-leveling (Moscow drivers don't know their own city! Pick a bus - any bus - because you're all on the same flight!). Plus, of course, the whole it-ain't-over-yet twist.

Where to start with the comments? Get a cup of coffee and a muffin; this is going to take a while.

Team Hippy: Our favourite hippy-dippies got off to a solid start, and seemed to make the most of their bunching time by dangling off of cars and scaring their competitors with their radically matching shirts. Team Hippy gets my thumb's-up award for cultural sensitivity in Moscow: not only did they recognize that the Monastery was not a place to act like fools (like most of their competitors later did), but they actually paused prior to opening the envelope to just look around and appreciate the beauty of the place. They were also down with the whole spasibo everywhere they went, thus making excellent use of their language skills (unlike the Chickitas and their el trunk faux pas!). It was a bit unsettling to see them fall so far off the pace when their driver couldn't find the trolley park, but they compensated well at the doll thing and interacted with the locals like the loveable goofs they are. Not unlike Cate, come to think of it.

Team Nerd: A bit of a lack-lustre performance from the nerds. I like that she was the one to do the diving challenge, and didn't make a federal case out of it as so many did. I question their decision to team up with Ho-Jo, who had no real advantage to offer them, other than a keen insight into the Russian national character: they smoke and drink a lot. Sheesh! Here's hoping they get back on track and rack up a bit more positive editing, and we can go back to loving Jessica's team as though it was our own.

Lake and puddle: You know it's going to be a long race when your team starts off by taking the wrong turn. The ONLY team to get lost in Brazil, and the only team to feel that standing on their car is the way to navigate unfamiliar terrain. Lake is really underwhelming me on a lot of levels. He didn't want to go to Russia (apparently, he's opposed to cold places?), and he's less than pleasant to Victoria. Er... whatever her name is. The longer Lake is in the game, the more he reminds me of another evil team... Oh, and she's also got the whole 'maybe I'm I victim, or maybe I'm just as much of an ass as he is' vibe going on. On his suggestion that she perform the task, her first thought is: 'what if I have to get naked' (yeah, because we see a lot of nudity on this show), followed by 'you wouldn't want to wear a bikini in front of the Russians, would you?' Sheesh...get over yourself!

Yo, Ray: I have to admit, I'm starting to be a little impressed by Ryan's team. Perhaps they just needed a little time to click, or perhaps everyone was so underwhelmingly portrayed here that they really had a chance to shine. In any case, snaps to Yo for taking a dive when she barely dog-paddles. I'm sure she didn't make any friends with the guys who had to wait until she gathered her testicular fortitude to make the plunge, but still, it was a real feel-good moment. And when she snapped back at Lake when he complained about how much of a pain it was to follow her to the cruddy detour, I had to cheer. Quietly, because I was busily appreciating all the culture that was messin' with Ray's head.

Pinks: Did anyone else get creeped out at the mere thought of the Pinks getting up close and personal with the Chuckleheads? *shudder* These are 4 people who should not be, like, procreating together, you dig? I missed last week's groping, but was thoroughly disturbed to see it spill over to this week's leg. Whatever happened to not using their bodies to get ahead? Oh, wait. They forgot to decide to use their *brains* to get ahead, by blowing a decent lead to return to grab the bag that contained the missing passports and cash. Maybe I'm being cynical and culturally insensitive here, but was I the only one surprised that that stuff was still laying on the bench in the change room? Wouldn't you suspect that a goodie bag like that would've disappeared in a heartbeat? Or do we think that a producer was tasked to sit around and watch it until the Pinks returned? Leah hangs in there...barely!

Chuckleheads: The longer these guys are on, the more they annoy me. Not really sure why, they just do. They've done fairly well by not, uh, over-thinking anything, so perhaps they'll be around for awhile. Beyond that, I got nothing to add for these dudes. Except that they're Mick's team. Go Mick!

Team Geezer: First of all, what is the deal with Barry's shoulder hair? The man's a freakin' missing link! It was encouraging to see the geezers move from dead last (last to leave the mat, last to complete the first task, last bus) to running second at one point. Of course, they hadn't as yet negotiated the nesting dolls, which slowed them up a bit, but still! Almost a whole episode where they didn't gripe about how they were in last place! It was like a freakin' miracle! Of course, then we had to endure Barry's flailing legs as he attempted to dive - what exactly was that, anyway? Overall, a good showing by the geritol squad, and Chris hangs in for another week.

Chickitas: When Chickita Jr. hinted that Mamacita was a bit dramatic, she wasn't freakin' kidding! Now, I totally get that whole fear of water thing - lots of people are terrified of water, and I don't mock that (fear of something that could kill you is a good survival instinct, right?), but when faced with a challenge that clearly involves water, is it the smartest thing in the world to, like, VOLUNTEER to do it, and then have a conniption fit when actually faced with the task? I wonder why no one suggested she hop out of the pool and jump in from the side, where her momentum might have taken her to the required depth. Or that she try to grab the clue with her feet, so she wouldn't have to get her face in the water. Or, you know, SOMETHING more useful than the folks standing around clapping (although, God love 'em, it had to have been endlessly entertaining to watch). Still, she finally accomplished it, and they made credible headway on the trolley scrubbing thing before the episode ended (or DID it...?). Liz's team survives to emote another day.

Ho-Jo: She irks me. Not to the degree of some previous blank-gazed blondes on this show, but she's up there. HoJo (or Heather's team, for those playing along at home) did not really stand out for me in this episode, other than as an a bit of deadweight keeping Team Nerd from soaring. Still, I'm sure we'll see something interesting from them in future installments. Or, you know, not.

No eliminations this time around, so nothing changes from last week. We need to get rid of a few teams so that this doesn't take me so long to put together...

A promise to my sister: Amazing Race - bye-bye-bye

It's truly uncanny how Leah always seems to end up picking the losers. Truly. This time, she didn't even lay a hand on the draw slips and *still* managed to select the losing team. That's some kind of spooky voodoo, right there. Nothing personal, Leah, but if we ever end up on airplane together, heading from Australia to the US, well, you need to sit in the tail - far, far away from me. I'll just sit next to the cute doctor and the scruffy bad boy. Er... perhaps I digress a bit.

Anyway - it was a great opener to what appears to be a much better season than the last (could it have been worse?). The teams are easy enough to label and some of them kindly named themselves so we wouldn't get them confused with any of the other, better looking teams (burn!). Because I'm a geek with a bad memory, I made note of some of the moments and dialogue that made me laugh out loud. This short recap turned into an epic, but it's not like you slackers were working, anyway, right? Right? Wait, just me? Oops...

Glamazons/Frosties/Cougars: not only did they Indian leg-wrestle in their promo, they bedazzled! And used the phrase "unsheath our womanhood" which kind of creeped me out, although made me think, too, in an anthropological/biological way, just what they hell they were talking about unsheathing. I'm not even going to talk about the whole 'I'm peeing in my pants' which came, interestingly (?) enough on the heels of 'my panties are falling down', which followed 'did you fart?' 'I think it's the city!'. Sigh. I was kinda-sorta hoping that these two wouldn't make it past leg one (sorry Leanne!) because their screaming was starting to drill a hole in my brain.

Hippies: put on your pants, it's time to dance! Okay - I love these guys. I was prepared not to like them, mostly because the short guy reminds me of Harry Shearer in Spinal Tap drag. However, they've got this whole joie de vive thing going on, so it's hard not to embrace them. They even thought the two chuckleheads (Eric/Jeremy) were good guys, even as said chuckleheads were dissing them at every opportunity. Dude - where's my frilly shirt?! Cate may very well be the big weeener this season.

Nerds: I LOVE this team! You have to respect anyone who embraces their inner nerd on (inter)national television. They remind me of half the people I worked with at IBM - nerdish and funny. And they have their own handshake! Too funny! And they say stuff like 'oh, mylanta!' when distressed. And giggle. And hold hands. And they've had the best editing so far - no major melt-downs and kissy-facing whenever they get a chance. I think that the other teams are going to want to help them as the series continues, and so Jessica has a real shot at making big bucks.

Lake and puddle: my team. Sigh. The man thinks he's intense, but he's really just annoying. They can't read, first of all, and how many times have we seen that reading EVERYTHING is a big help in this show. The chuckleheads kinda clarified why I was so creeped out by Lake when they described him as Scott Peterson (I really don't want to like the chuckleheads, but sometimes they are on the money). I don't think they'll win, but I'm willing to bet they'll make top-5.

Yo, Ray: I laughed out loud at the introduction between Ray and Lake: 'I'm Lake, like the ocean.' 'Oh...I'm Ray...like the sun.' Too funny! I was waiting for Ray's head to 'splode during the whole bike-building thing (that was a challenge from hell, right there) as all the local dudes made goo-goo eyes and construction-site noises at Yo (that's what I'll be calling her now). But he held it together and crossed the mat with his dignity. I don't see that lasting: they've dated 5 years and have never spent any significant time together? And they thought that a race around the world would be a good trial run? Oh, mylanta! Sorry, Ryan, you haven't got a ray of hope...like the sun.

Double Ds/Pinks: They just make it too easy to mock. I LOVED that they attempted the bike-building thing with the sole strategy of: we'll kiss some locals and make them do all the dirty work. Still, it was a strategy that has worked in other places. Although I will belittle them for the duration of their time on this show (please, God, not long!), I had to give them credit for a few things. First, they worked their main strength: cleavage. And the loud pink colour means they can easily locate each other in a crowd. Oh, and at least one spoke another language, which certainly can't hurt. Still, I have to say that Leah probably won't make it toooo far with this team, either. Sorry about that.

Chuckleheads: We want to be rich, but we don't want to work at it. Truer words. They are a bit mean-spirited, but funny with it, so I like them, but feel guilty about it. It's all good. Love how they hit on the Double-Ds right away (and loved how the girls were all, like, 'as if!'). Their strategy of not (over)thinking anything seemed to pay off this time, and they won money, so that's good. It was interesting to compare their activities on the race to the hippies', who embraced everything with references to James Bond and teeth scratching. Yeah, I didn't get that, either. Mick probably won't be collecting the cash this season. But at least he can play 'count the piercings', so ... silver linings, right?

Oh, Meredith: Sure, they aren't as annoying as that team, but nearly as clueless. If you're looking for a clue box, and can't find it, even when you've been told it's there by lots of people, including the teams that are now burning past you, here's a hint: watch the cameraman! S/he spotted it right away and zoomed in helpfully so we could see where it was, and stopped and swung the camera so we could see how they'd walked past it, and... you get the idea. I loved how they tried to build a bike without knowing helpful little things, like what an engine is. I'm not saying that's a key component to assembling a bike, but it could be helpful. I'm just sayin'. Their joy at not being booted was clear, but I have to suggest Chris brace himself for the inevitable. If thinking is their secret weapon, well, you fill in the joke here.

Chickitas: What can you say about W/D. They're excitable, and their ability to sprachen der lingo saved their bacon on this leg. Chickita Jr. recognizes her role on the team: keep the Mamacita from esplodin'. Their strategy to pick the furthest destination in the rotorhead challenge made little to no sense, but the ineptitude of their competitors meant that it didn't cost them much. I don't have a solid feel for how this team will do just yet, but I don't hate them, so that's something. Plus, their editing was fairly good, so we either have a major mother-daughter blow-up coming (almost inevitable, don't you think?) or they'll fade away. I guess what I'm saying is that Liz shouldn't make any big plans for the pool money, which I'm sure she means to pay at some point. Really.

Ho-Jo: Don't like 'em. Jo and I were in total agreement when we stared at Ho at the airport. "Seriously," we both asked, "are you going to cry about not getting on the first flight?" She doesn't strike me as a terribly nice person, which, granted, is not a requirement for the race (hello Jonathan and Victoria!), but if you're going to give yourself a cutesy nickname and emblazon it across your chest, and then turn around and bash the hippies for not doing so drugs today, which somehow explains how they managed to get to their car before you did, well, I can call you a beyotch. Really. It's in my contract. Look it up.

Team Gay: I'm kinda sad to see these guys go right off the bat. They gave us some great moments. The genie thing was pure genious (genie...genious...get it?), although it apparently wasn't enough to change the course of history. I blame the sound effects for that. Anyway, they also made me giggle at how they packed - could they have hauled around any more crap? Only the cougars were packing more than they were, and that's something. They introduced us to the fear closet, and gave the producers an excuse to zoom in on their hand-holding at the pit stop. And when they were lost, they still strode confidently ... in some direction. Unfortunately, it was in the direction of the sunset. Adios, boys! Once Leah had picked your name, you didn't stand a chance...